Last week was INCREDIBLY hard for my entire family... I held it together pretty well when I could. But the phone calls, e-mails, etc. were really getting to me. Between those and my mom's bestfriend coming over to "help" (she was driving me bananas!) and then my aunt and uncle coming in from out of town with (surprise!) my other aunt, it turned into what felt a lot like a gong show...
The funeral was lovely... There was a viewing prior to the funeral starting, the pallbearers and family gathered in a separate room from what would be the sanctuary (I think, not sure... maybe chapel?) and then once the viewing was over, the casket was closed. My mom commented when we went in before anyone else that he looked like he was sleeping and like he was going to open his eyes and pop up wondering what all the fuss was about at any time... He was smiling... But his hands were too stiff. I had held it together just fine for a few days prior to this but Friday, I lost it. I was unable to be consoled and I felt like my heart had been ripped out... :'( John gave the Eulogy and the service was presided over by the Pastor from St. David's (my grandparents are charter members) and Laurel and I were "music" for two of the songs. One, I sang by myself and Laurel accompanied me and the other, we sang together and Laurel played. The first song was "Take Me In" and the second was "Amazing Grace." I made it through both, amazingly. I looked at the ceiling, my friends, my family, my cousin standing at the back with her daughter and my aunt (who kept giving me "ok" signs and thumbs up). It was SO hard but we got through it... I had many people compliment me afterwards (I got an e-mail from my mom's cousin saying I should be on the radio singing my own songs and my mom's secretary from work said I made her cry it was so beautiful *blush*) but I don't take compliments very well and while I held it together, I wouldn't have been able to do it if my mom hadn't specifically asked and I knew she expected I'd be able to handle it and without Laurel up there with me I wouldn't have been able to stay up there without crying. I am SO lucky to have such an incredible friend. After the service, we went to the cemetary for the graveside service and then back to the funeral home for a reception. The reception had been planned for 40 people and there were over 80 there! There were people who knew our family from all kinds of places, including some of my friends, John's bestfriend, my mom's friends and work colleagues, my dad's cousin and her husband, my dad's sister and sister-in-law, my cousin from my dad's side and her family, my grandma's brother-in-law and his son and my grandfathers friends, work colleagues and people who knew him from cadets. It was really interesting... My grandma was still in hospital so she couldn't be there but many people sent cards expressing their condolences and we received flowers from some of our relatives and friends from out of town. After the reception, we had some of the family and a few friends back to the house. We had about 15 or so people in the house (more than I can remember at one time) and it was busy but everyone was in good spirits... Ben and Matt played with my younger cousins (Emma, Jack and Anders) and my cousin Laura (their mom) says she would hire either of the guys to baby-sit... :D I found that majorly amusing...
Friday night, I wasn't in the mood to sit around doing nothing so I went to Dana and Amber's birthday party at Coyote's. I hadn't ever been there and I really enjoyed it. Matt, John and I went down together and had a blast. Turns out Jordan (who used to play for MRC) is a bartender there and it was awesome to see him and get caught up a bit. He's now at U of C and he told me I should stop by and say hi more often. He was shocked to hear I am living in Lethbridge. :) Afterwards, we went to BP's and then the guys dropped me off and then John drove Matt home.
Saturday I picked Matt up and dropped him off at his car and then went to Starbucks and then to the THING Leadership Retreat. It was good. Much of what we went over I had already done in some form at some point but it's always good to review. I'm tempted to ask Laurel if at one of the next ones I can "lead" or "teach" one of them... I liked sitting through them and all but I wasn't sure if I was allowed to contribute or if I was out of place when I did, so I was trying really hard not to talk... I am working on leading by example, not using words and leading from the back as I have seen others do. I will see how it goes...
Saturday night, a bunch of us went to Schanks for the other part of Dana and Amber's birthday party. Dan, Ashley and Derek came to meet me and it was cool to get to meet them. I hope to get to know them better as time goes on... I haven't been very available this week though and once I go back to school, it may get worse. :( I do want to hang out with them again though.
My aunt and uncle (my dad's other cousin and his wife) came into town on Saturday so we had a family dinner out at my cousin's house in Cochrane on Sunday. It was cool to hang out with the kids and help out as needed. I took a bunch of pictures (that I need to get developed) and we had fun all in all. My dad and I had words at one point but I think we're fine (as fine as we can be) now.
This week, I did a lot of stuff with my family... Those from out of town and my immediate family as well. I also spent some time with my friends (my friend Chris and his fiancee are in from NY) and that was good. Specifically, I went for dinner with Chris and Chrystal (sp?) Tuesday, hung out with Ben on Wednesday and went out for dinner and then swimming on Thursday with Britney, Matt and Ben. Today, I hung out at home and did homework, Alexis and James came over for a bit and we watched a movie while I did homework and then I went for groceries and then to pick up some decorations for next week with my mom. I got some GREAT stuff! (LOL!!! :D :D :D) I can't wait until next week... ;)
As for that... we invited... approximately 120 people. So far, I have 56 people who have RSVP'd either yes or maybe (with only about 10 as maybe's) and that doesn't include the younger children who were included in the original count and may still come... The space is arranged, the food is ordered, the DJ is set, the cake is ordered, the decorations are bought, her gift is bought, all we need to do it figure out "drinks" for the immediate family, rent/borrow the rest of the DJ stuff we need and John and I need to finish the powerpoint presentation of pictures and such. I hope to get that done in the next few days.
I have had a few frustrating conversations with people in the past week and a bit... My aunt decided she needed to talk to me about who I should marry... Had I known that I was at that place in my life, I'm sure the conversation would have been fine. Also, I have been really worried about a good friend and while I am incredibly happy for her (she recently began a new relationship) I also worry because she has been one of my little sisters for the past few months... almost a year. She told me that we aren't that close and that many of us are just jealous of the fact that she's in a relationship. I was bothered by it and then figured we had let it go until she didn't show up to the funeral (as she had said she would) or to the THING Leadership Retreat (as she said she would) and told a mutual friend that I had attacked her. I'm sorry she felt that way... I guess I will leave her alone. Apparently, the friendship that I thought we were working on doesn't actually exist. :( *very sad*
The next few days are going to be hectic... I have a ton of work left to do on a project for school that I don't understand. I know I would get a zero for not handing it in, and I have highly contemplated that but I don't want a zero on any assignment in this class. I just need to not freak out... Whenever I get majorly frustrated, I need to remind myself to take a break... It's hard for me, because when I get frustrated, I want to work through it...
I'm going to get some sleep...
I am going to reach for stuff again... Patience, perseverance, hope (I need WAY more of that towards school) and help (as I need it, I don't like asking for help... It's something I have a hard time doing).
