I'm not sure what I think about relationships. A relationship is generally defined (and no, I'm not using a dictionary, this is a "life experience definition") as a genuine warmth or affection that derives from a commonality, or more than one, that two people share. I have always considered some of those "commonalities" as being things like trust, respect, honesty, and so forth. To me, these are BIG things. But lately, I have been letting some of those things slide. Mainly because I had decided that while I am really busy, my friends and so forth much be as well and therefore probably don't have as much time to do things, talk, etc. I think my error in thinking was that they didn't have the time, as because I was busy, I wasn't putting as much effort into our friendships as I normally would. I came to a few realizations though... I have been a doormat over time for a lot of people and have been letting them get away with a lot of stuff that I wouldn't normally. I'd love to say it's just because I've been so busy but honestly, it's more because I didn't want to rock the boat. I have been lied to, my character has been assassinated, I have gotten into stupid little arguments that had no purpose and just made us feel bad overall and have been treated as though my opinion doesn't matter. I am not saying I'm blameless. I've been so stressed that I haven't wanted to tell anyone and I have basically been bottling it up. When that happens, I eventually blow up, normally in an emotional way which isn't necessarily healthy. I have come to realize that while becoming silent instead of yelling is better, emotions are a good way to express what feelings are happening but not if they make you thin-skinned and feeling vulnerable. My problem is that when I feel vulnerable, I am sarcastic or I lash out unintentionally to keep people from getting too close. It's something that I am getting better at but then again, the silent treatment really isn't any better! Also, if I am going to put myself out there to get to know someone better, they need to be willing to put almost equal effort into it because it's not fair if I am pouring all I am and have into it and they do nada...
Now, I have been working insane hours and keeping myself busy with many work-related things and while I really love my job some days, in the past few, I have been feeling really tired and drained. I alternately love and hate being at Sunridge, I miss and then don't the people at the other store, I want things to be perfect because I'm a perfectionist and I tend to work myself hard because I don't want the rest of the staff to think I am slacking in any way! One of the girls at work commented today that I am constantly in motion... I didn't really realize it but when I am at work, I am. And after stepping down funny yesterday and pulling something in my ankle and foot, I wasn't moving as fast as I normally would today. By the end of the day today, my foot was really sore and I wanted to sit but wouldn't allow myself to. It's just the whole "not showing weakness at work" thing... It's stupid and in my head but I didn't want to slack. Plus, I couldn't ask the girls to work if I was chilling in the back room. :P
I love my staff... We are all fairly sarcastic but we get along really well and sometimes it's funny to see who is going to have a "blonde moment" or who is going to whine about something. Today, we were having a "squeaking" problem and ended up talking like "Valley Girls" but it got better as they day progressed. lol, it's going to be weird when we all split up to go back to school in the fall. Only 2 of the girls are staying on full-time (plus me and the new Manager as I'm staying as the Assistant) but the other girls have school and won't be able to work other than some evenings and weekends pretty much. It will definitely be a different vibe than it has been this summer but I'm looking forward to it. I am beginning to like change (within reason) and I like the people I am working with!
This semester I had decided to go back to the U of L and finish off my minor(s). I am only two or so courses away from my English minor and 3 away from a Psych minor, should I decide to do that as well. I am looking forward to it but also dreading it! The only way to explain is that I am finished my degree so it's not as much "GET IT DONE!!!" pressure but it's also a lot of "get good marks!" pressure and I'm trying not to overthink things now because if I do, by 3 months from now, I'm going to be burning out from working and going to school and I don't want that happening. For now, I am taking 4 courses but one is a music class that I didn't take during my undergrad and I may decide not to take it. I only need 3 courses to be full-time and I don't want to kill myself. I almost did that last semester between being sick and finishing my degree. In the fall I will see about applying to get into Education somewhere, otherwise, I will worry about that towards the beginning of the Winter/Spring semester. One of the other reasons I am dreading going back right now is I lived in the same place for 3 years, uprooted and moved somewhere else last year and now we're moving again. But while we have found an apartment (my bro and I), our parents are talking about buying a house in Lethbridge. Mainly so the dog can move in as well and that way we have some space. Plus, then we aren't paying someone else's mortgage... We did that this past year basically and it was a pain! But because it's a little over a week away and we're not 100% sure what's going on, it's not very fun right now!
Anyway, I need sleep, I'm working at 9am...
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Monday, August 20, 2007
Reflection...
It's interesting to look back over time and see how life has changed. Or, how life has changed who you have become. 5 years ago, 10 years ago, 15 years ago... What was important then doesn't seem as important now. Who was important then isn't necessarily as important now.
It seems odd to contemplate that when I was 10, I depended on my parents for almost everything. At 15, I thought the sun rose and set on my friends and family. Without them, it was as though I was nothing. At 20, I did not feel as though my life was as defined by them but yet, I let them define who I was, what I would become and would do with my life. I allowed them to tell me what they thought of me, took it to heart and considered their opinions the be all and end all of opinions in the world. I tried not to care what others thought and while that was not always easy, I did my best. At 15, that was practically impossible. At 20, it was impossible.
I defined who I was based on how others perceived me. Now, I do it as well, just in a different way. I used to use things such as baggy clothes or a ponytail or a big grin on my face or other such techniques to hide what I looked like or how I was feeling. Now, I let my hair do what it is going to, I wear clothes that actually fit, I am honest about how I am feeling and I trust people more. I don't necessarily let their opinions define "me" anymore. It's a hard habit to break though... I think when it comes right down to it, I have stopped caring how people judge me. Mainly because I have come to the conclusion that while I might not always be happy with how I look, what I am wearing, what my hair is doing (or not doing), etc. when it comes down to it, I am an okay person.
I have had people (my friends) telling me recently what a wonderful person I am and how much they love me. For anyone who knows me, they may know that it is awesome to hear but incredibly hard for me to believe. I heard for YEARS the complete opposite of that so while I WANT to believe what they are saying, I am more likely to blow it off or say something sarcastic than to take it to heart. I think that is something that I need to be careful of though. I DO care about people. I DO love my friends and family. I'm glad that they care about me. But when it comes down to it, my head disagrees with what they are saying while my heart is saying, "yes! What they are saying is TRUE!" It's hard to break a bad habit. I used to bite my fingernails, trust me, it's tough. I now only bite them when I am stressed or anxious about something... I think that sarcasm is my way of being defensive. It's as though if I make a joke, no one else can... Or if I make a joke FIRST then I have beat someone else to the punchline. Then whatever they were about to say or whatever they say next won't hurt as much. I'm not really sure why I do that, it just seems to be my self-defence mechanism kicking into effect.
I'm a big believer in making sure that everyone is happy and everything is ok. Why then, can't I be happy? Or ok? With life in general, I have been lately... But when things go well, I doubt it and then I'm not sure how to handle what is coming next. I am trying to be as optimistic as I have been in the past. Sometimes it is hard not to be a "glass half-empty" kind of person and I'd rather my glass is half-full anyway! If anyone has any ideas how to do this, tell me how...
(I am reminded of a Baz Luhrmann song... This song always makes me smile...)
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97
Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it
The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.
Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.
But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.
You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future.
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.
Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy.
Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.
The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults.
If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives.
Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either.
Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body.
Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it.
It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance - even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
"Brother and sister together we'll make it through,
Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there
I know that you're hurting but I've been waiting there for you
And I'll be there just helping you out
Whenever I can"
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,
but with a precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths:
Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old.
And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
"brother and sister together we'll make it through,
someday a spirit will take you and guide you there
I know that you're hurting but I've been waiting there for you
and I'll be there just helping you out
whenever I can
everybody's free
everybody's free
to feel good"
So, when it comes down to it, I am okay with where my life is at for the most point. But it is tough sometimes... I have people coming at me from all sides telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing and it drives me crazy! I may not always be completely happy with what I have accomplished in my life but that is mainly due to the comparisons that other people make between their lives and mine. There is a BIG difference between lives that divided at 18 and someone who has worked since then and someone who has gone to school. It bothers me that some people don't value education as much as I do and while I try to see their point, I find it very hard as I tend to be made to feel as though because I went to school and took a while deciding what I wanted to do with my education that I am less of a person because I don't have a husband and children yet.
I say YET. I do plan to have a family someday. In the future... Not necessarily next week, next month or even next year but sometime in the future. I love kids. I want to have a family. Just because I have different priorities than some of the people I was (or am) friends with, I don't think that makes me a BAD person, I think it makes me an individual.
I believe that everyone is entitled to their opinions and that everyone is allowed to live their lives how THEY want to, without anyone dictating anything to them. I know that I am, quite frankly, sick of people bossing others around and saying things about them when they are not there to defend themselves or know anything about what it being said... Sometimes, life isn't fair and I'm not saying it is supposed to be but what it comes down to is that every person should have an opportunity to live their life the way they want to and make the decisions they are going to, whether things work out for the best or not.
I have to admit, I have had times when I have been the "good girl" and the "bad girl" and it has hit me lately that ultimately, I think I am a bad girl with good girl morals. Which means that I like to have fun and do things that may shock some people but when it comes down to it, I am not going to go against my basic morals and beliefs. I know that may seem odd to others but it is something I have been contemplating for a long time...
It seems odd to contemplate that when I was 10, I depended on my parents for almost everything. At 15, I thought the sun rose and set on my friends and family. Without them, it was as though I was nothing. At 20, I did not feel as though my life was as defined by them but yet, I let them define who I was, what I would become and would do with my life. I allowed them to tell me what they thought of me, took it to heart and considered their opinions the be all and end all of opinions in the world. I tried not to care what others thought and while that was not always easy, I did my best. At 15, that was practically impossible. At 20, it was impossible.
I defined who I was based on how others perceived me. Now, I do it as well, just in a different way. I used to use things such as baggy clothes or a ponytail or a big grin on my face or other such techniques to hide what I looked like or how I was feeling. Now, I let my hair do what it is going to, I wear clothes that actually fit, I am honest about how I am feeling and I trust people more. I don't necessarily let their opinions define "me" anymore. It's a hard habit to break though... I think when it comes right down to it, I have stopped caring how people judge me. Mainly because I have come to the conclusion that while I might not always be happy with how I look, what I am wearing, what my hair is doing (or not doing), etc. when it comes down to it, I am an okay person.
I have had people (my friends) telling me recently what a wonderful person I am and how much they love me. For anyone who knows me, they may know that it is awesome to hear but incredibly hard for me to believe. I heard for YEARS the complete opposite of that so while I WANT to believe what they are saying, I am more likely to blow it off or say something sarcastic than to take it to heart. I think that is something that I need to be careful of though. I DO care about people. I DO love my friends and family. I'm glad that they care about me. But when it comes down to it, my head disagrees with what they are saying while my heart is saying, "yes! What they are saying is TRUE!" It's hard to break a bad habit. I used to bite my fingernails, trust me, it's tough. I now only bite them when I am stressed or anxious about something... I think that sarcasm is my way of being defensive. It's as though if I make a joke, no one else can... Or if I make a joke FIRST then I have beat someone else to the punchline. Then whatever they were about to say or whatever they say next won't hurt as much. I'm not really sure why I do that, it just seems to be my self-defence mechanism kicking into effect.
I'm a big believer in making sure that everyone is happy and everything is ok. Why then, can't I be happy? Or ok? With life in general, I have been lately... But when things go well, I doubt it and then I'm not sure how to handle what is coming next. I am trying to be as optimistic as I have been in the past. Sometimes it is hard not to be a "glass half-empty" kind of person and I'd rather my glass is half-full anyway! If anyone has any ideas how to do this, tell me how...
(I am reminded of a Baz Luhrmann song... This song always makes me smile...)
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97
Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it
The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.
Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.
But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.
You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future.
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.
Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy.
Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.
The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults.
If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives.
Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either.
Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body.
Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it.
It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance - even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
"Brother and sister together we'll make it through,
Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there
I know that you're hurting but I've been waiting there for you
And I'll be there just helping you out
Whenever I can"
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,
but with a precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths:
Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old.
And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
"brother and sister together we'll make it through,
someday a spirit will take you and guide you there
I know that you're hurting but I've been waiting there for you
and I'll be there just helping you out
whenever I can
everybody's free
everybody's free
to feel good"
So, when it comes down to it, I am okay with where my life is at for the most point. But it is tough sometimes... I have people coming at me from all sides telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing and it drives me crazy! I may not always be completely happy with what I have accomplished in my life but that is mainly due to the comparisons that other people make between their lives and mine. There is a BIG difference between lives that divided at 18 and someone who has worked since then and someone who has gone to school. It bothers me that some people don't value education as much as I do and while I try to see their point, I find it very hard as I tend to be made to feel as though because I went to school and took a while deciding what I wanted to do with my education that I am less of a person because I don't have a husband and children yet.
I say YET. I do plan to have a family someday. In the future... Not necessarily next week, next month or even next year but sometime in the future. I love kids. I want to have a family. Just because I have different priorities than some of the people I was (or am) friends with, I don't think that makes me a BAD person, I think it makes me an individual.
I believe that everyone is entitled to their opinions and that everyone is allowed to live their lives how THEY want to, without anyone dictating anything to them. I know that I am, quite frankly, sick of people bossing others around and saying things about them when they are not there to defend themselves or know anything about what it being said... Sometimes, life isn't fair and I'm not saying it is supposed to be but what it comes down to is that every person should have an opportunity to live their life the way they want to and make the decisions they are going to, whether things work out for the best or not.
I have to admit, I have had times when I have been the "good girl" and the "bad girl" and it has hit me lately that ultimately, I think I am a bad girl with good girl morals. Which means that I like to have fun and do things that may shock some people but when it comes down to it, I am not going to go against my basic morals and beliefs. I know that may seem odd to others but it is something I have been contemplating for a long time...
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