Ok, so people have been asking me what’s going on with me… To sum it up, I have been really ill and dealing with some family stuff.

First, physically ill by getting strep/bronchitis/laryngitis and then what seems like a never-ending cold. Secondly, my mental state hasn’t been the best since moving to Red Deer. Honestly, it hasn’t been that great since I had surgery.

It’s hard to explain but I have a hard time “seeing” myself for who I am now, and while at times I get that I’m not the person I used to be (physically, emotionally, mentally, etc.) it’s hard to wrap my head around it. Sometimes this has been because of things people have said that came across as insensitive and while that may not be their intention, it is almost one of those “take a breath and think about what you say before you say it.” I understand that some people are surprised when they haven’t seen me in months or years but even then, I don’t see the changes as a bad thing. I will point out that based on what some people have said, I was a really awful person to a lot of people. If that’s the case and you are one of those people, I’m sorry!

Then, I moved to Red Deer and while I have tried to get to know people, I don’t always feel like I “fit in.” I’m a lot older than many of my classmates and while I don’t always notice the age difference, I don’t really get invited out or asked to hang out because they have their friendship groups already established. It’s something I have accepted. I have also noticed something about my basic personality lately… I HATE groups! I don’t mind being in a group to do schoolwork as long as we have a common goal and something we’re working towards. When it comes down to being in a large crowd of people or a crowded room, I HATE it. I almost feel more lonely/alone with a large group around me. One such example of this was going to the Sean Kingston concert at the beginning of October. I went alone. I’d gone to concerts, movies, etc. alone before so I didn’t figure that it would be a big deal. The crowd was SO overwhelming that I had a panic attack and left.

I’ve figured out part of the reason: I don’t fit into a “clique” and I don’t attempt to either. I don’t try to fit into one particular group of people, I am friends with multiple people in multiple groups. But when they split into their smaller groups, I tend to get lost in the shuffle. A good example of this recently was going to the bar with some friends on Halloween. I don’t remember a time I felt more lonely… in a group setting. Or at a Scout Canada camp. I didn’t know 2/3 of the people there but the ones I did know I feel like I’m friends with. And again, when they split into their smaller groups, I was the outsider. I’m not 100% sure why/how this happens but it does… and honestly, it’s kind of upsetting. I’ve been feeling this way for a while and I watch other people who seem to fit in seamlessly and it’s as though they have been part of whatever is going on forever but I’m not one of those people.

Family stuff… Sit down, buckle up, hold on… Mom says if we applied to be a reality show we’d be rejected based on believability. I don’t disagree. In the past couple of years, as most people know, my dad has been in and out of hospital. Most recently, in May 2009 he hadn’t been seen or heard from in a couple of weeks so one of the neighbours called the police and they kicked in the front door at my parent’s house (for anyone who hasn’t been paying attention, this is AGAIN) and he was taken to the Peter Lougheed Hospital. Mom was going over everyday to see him, I was going a few times a week, as was John and Ryan and I would go whenever we were in Calgary on the weekend after I moved. Dad has been in the PLC since May. Well, until midweek last week. October 27, when the hospital called Mom to tell her they were planning to transfer Dad to Ponoka she figured within a couple of weeks. There had been an issue with another patient assaulting Dad the Saturday before this so we knew something was going to happen but not quite that fast. So, as of October 28, Dad is living in the Centennial Centre in Ponoka. (No, I don’t have a forwarding address and if you want to contact him, I suggest you mail it to his home address and it will get forwarded.) This has been incredibly hard on Mom and honestly doesn’t make me rest very easily because he is so close to where I am. He has his ID, money, credit cards… I’m not sure what to say/think. Needless to say, the entire situation isn’t helping my current mental state.

So, if you add together the family stuff, the physical health stuff, no social life, a bf who lives in a different city and I rarely see, the fact my student loan still hasn’t been processed and school…. I feel a little like I’m going nuts. And it’s NOT a good feeling! I know a lot of people who deal with a LOT more all at once generally speaking but there is at least a minor amount of stability in their lives which I’m sure helps… I also know that a lot of people deal with “family issues” on a daily basis and I’m sure mine aren’t as bad or whatever… I’m not saying they are and I don’t want to compete. I just wanted to write things out so that the people who have been asking what is going on can read and find out and I don’t have to explain things over and over and over…

On that note, I have two midterms and a playing test tomorrow plus three assignments and a paper so I’m going back to work and then maybe getting some sleep…