I have heard over time that "winners never quit and quitters never win." I'm going to point out, I don't generally quit but then again, my track record on the "winning" thing isn't very high up there either at this point... I am frustrated. With school. With life. With my music. With job searching and the application and interview processes. With some of my friends. With guys. I could go on... What it all boils down to is that God has put some pretty heavy things on my heart over time. While it has been very difficult to accept some of what I have felt like He has called me to do, I have to accept that if He has laid those thing on my heart, they are what my giftings are. I wonder though if I am misreading those callings and giftings... Is music not one of mine? Am I wasting my time and energy? Have I almost finished a music degree for no reason? Should I be working with kids in the future? So many questions and no one even willing to guess at any answers! So... I wait...
I have to admit, I am SO FRUSTRATED with music in general right now that I could SCREAM!!!! Today, as an example: I beat up a pillow, called Laurel and talked/cried to her about it for a while and then laid down and had a darn good cry... I cuddled my BIG teddy bear after and had a nap (I had a headache after the tears) and then I felt a bit better. I know that life isn't supposed to be easy or anything and that God throws things in our path to challenge us. I also know that what "doesn't kill you will only make you stronger" but after this semester is over, I feel like I will either be dead or have strength like I have never had before... I was considering withdrawing from the classes I am frustrated with but if I do that (with three weeks left) I will need to take them later anyway so I may as well just wait out the last few weeks and work my butt off!
One thing I am going to mention other than school at this point is my current frustration with guys... I have a great group of guy friends. But it seems as though that is all they will ever be. I find that personally very frustrating because I care about each of those guys (in different ways) and I had seen possibilites for other things in the future... I don't understand why God would have put some of those people back into my life if it wasn't for a specific purpose... Yet again, I wait.
