I'm not sure what I think about relationships. A relationship is generally defined (and no, I'm not using a dictionary, this is a "life experience definition") as a genuine warmth or affection that derives from a commonality, or more than one, that two people share. I have always considered some of those "commonalities" as being things like trust, respect, honesty, and so forth. To me, these are BIG things. But lately, I have been letting some of those things slide. Mainly because I had decided that while I am really busy, my friends and so forth much be as well and therefore probably don't have as much time to do things, talk, etc. I think my error in thinking was that they didn't have the time, as because I was busy, I wasn't putting as much effort into our friendships as I normally would. I came to a few realizations though... I have been a doormat over time for a lot of people and have been letting them get away with a lot of stuff that I wouldn't normally. I'd love to say it's just because I've been so busy but honestly, it's more because I didn't want to rock the boat. I have been lied to, my character has been assassinated, I have gotten into stupid little arguments that had no purpose and just made us feel bad overall and have been treated as though my opinion doesn't matter. I am not saying I'm blameless. I've been so stressed that I haven't wanted to tell anyone and I have basically been bottling it up. When that happens, I eventually blow up, normally in an emotional way which isn't necessarily healthy. I have come to realize that while becoming silent instead of yelling is better, emotions are a good way to express what feelings are happening but not if they make you thin-skinned and feeling vulnerable. My problem is that when I feel vulnerable, I am sarcastic or I lash out unintentionally to keep people from getting too close. It's something that I am getting better at but then again, the silent treatment really isn't any better! Also, if I am going to put myself out there to get to know someone better, they need to be willing to put almost equal effort into it because it's not fair if I am pouring all I am and have into it and they do nada...
Now, I have been working insane hours and keeping myself busy with many work-related things and while I really love my job some days, in the past few, I have been feeling really tired and drained. I alternately love and hate being at Sunridge, I miss and then don't the people at the other store, I want things to be perfect because I'm a perfectionist and I tend to work myself hard because I don't want the rest of the staff to think I am slacking in any way! One of the girls at work commented today that I am constantly in motion... I didn't really realize it but when I am at work, I am. And after stepping down funny yesterday and pulling something in my ankle and foot, I wasn't moving as fast as I normally would today. By the end of the day today, my foot was really sore and I wanted to sit but wouldn't allow myself to. It's just the whole "not showing weakness at work" thing... It's stupid and in my head but I didn't want to slack. Plus, I couldn't ask the girls to work if I was chilling in the back room. :P
I love my staff... We are all fairly sarcastic but we get along really well and sometimes it's funny to see who is going to have a "blonde moment" or who is going to whine about something. Today, we were having a "squeaking" problem and ended up talking like "Valley Girls" but it got better as they day progressed. lol, it's going to be weird when we all split up to go back to school in the fall. Only 2 of the girls are staying on full-time (plus me and the new Manager as I'm staying as the Assistant) but the other girls have school and won't be able to work other than some evenings and weekends pretty much. It will definitely be a different vibe than it has been this summer but I'm looking forward to it. I am beginning to like change (within reason) and I like the people I am working with!
This semester I had decided to go back to the U of L and finish off my minor(s). I am only two or so courses away from my English minor and 3 away from a Psych minor, should I decide to do that as well. I am looking forward to it but also dreading it! The only way to explain is that I am finished my degree so it's not as much "GET IT DONE!!!" pressure but it's also a lot of "get good marks!" pressure and I'm trying not to overthink things now because if I do, by 3 months from now, I'm going to be burning out from working and going to school and I don't want that happening. For now, I am taking 4 courses but one is a music class that I didn't take during my undergrad and I may decide not to take it. I only need 3 courses to be full-time and I don't want to kill myself. I almost did that last semester between being sick and finishing my degree. In the fall I will see about applying to get into Education somewhere, otherwise, I will worry about that towards the beginning of the Winter/Spring semester. One of the other reasons I am dreading going back right now is I lived in the same place for 3 years, uprooted and moved somewhere else last year and now we're moving again. But while we have found an apartment (my bro and I), our parents are talking about buying a house in Lethbridge. Mainly so the dog can move in as well and that way we have some space. Plus, then we aren't paying someone else's mortgage... We did that this past year basically and it was a pain! But because it's a little over a week away and we're not 100% sure what's going on, it's not very fun right now!
Anyway, I need sleep, I'm working at 9am...
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