Emotional High to Emotional Low in 4 days...

So I went home this weekend pretty pumped... Friday night I was supposed to hang out with Laurel after spending some time at the hospital visiting my grandpa (which was good when I first got there, it was just the two of us but later, it was my mom, dad, he and I and he was really out of it...) but after my physio appointment I needed to run some errands and those tired me out so Laurel and I took a raincheck... Ben called and we ended up going to BP's for "hot dessert" and then he came over and we watched "Under the Tuscan Sun." Nice thing about it was I didn't have to drive and there was no fear of drowning if I fell asleep (Laurel and I were going to go to the winter club to sit in the hot tub)... As Ben was leaving, John was just getting home from the Cave and Ben's car (actually his brothers car) wouldn't start. He ended up crashing on the living room floor and the next morning his brother came over and when I left, they were trying to figure out what to do...

Saturday was the Steering retreat out at King's Fold... It is SO beautiful out there! I told Laurel that we should get three or four girls together and do a girl's retreat weekend out there... We should try to get the room with two beds on the main floor and two in the loft... :) At the end of the day I was supposed to meet my mom and then go to Shaun's birthday party. Well, the doctor from the nursing home called to say that they think my grandma had either broken herhip or her pelvis when she fell last week and did my mom want to go to the ER to take her for x-rays. My mom said she'd rather not as they would end up sitting for hours on end, like she did when she took my grandfather in. So my grandma is scheduled for x-rays tomorrow morning. She is on bed rest and isn't moving at all so she is fine where she is (doctor's choice...) and they are taking her over by ambulance to wherever the x-rays are being done. Mom and I had a miscommunication that night that ended in us having a huge fight and I was exhausted and upset so I stayed home and had a nap and then when I woke up, I decided to go to bed early...

Sunday, I had a massage (I was SO tense) and then my mom and I had made plans but apparently so had she and John. They went to the Roughnecks game and then were almost an hour and half late getting back. Apparently, another miscommunication, again, my fault... So, eventually, I drove back to Lethbridge, I couldn't handle anymore arguing...

Today started out uneventfully enough... John has our grandparents car this week (he was threatening not to come back unless he had a vehicle... apparently I'm "mean" and I don't let him have the car as much as he would like. Not the point...

I called and booked the room at the CWC for my mom's 50th birthday party but I need to get in touch with her friends and such and make sure that if anything happens, family-wise, in the next few weeks that I can cancel if need be... I look forward to planning this though because right now, I need a purpose or I may go stir-crazy...

Tonight I had a Rover crew meeting... It was a gong show from the beginning and people got loud and upset and when it was all said and done, I have a headache and I feel like I'm going to be sick... It started out as a few of us having a few questions and snowballed from there... It was a rough meeting and it upset me more than I already was.

Ok, so most of my friends know that my grandparents are older and ill at this point in time. My grandpa is supposed to be moving to a hospice thsi week and they have given him little time left... My grandma has been resiliant so far but she's not doing well either and if anything happens to my grandpa, I don't know what she will do... Honestly, I don't know what I will do either. I feel frustrated because I am helpless... I feel like when I go home right now I am in the way but it's as though if I don't spend some time with them now, it might be too late... I don't think I will deal well if something were to happen... On top of everything else, I'm trying to stay in touch with my friends and keep my schoolwork balanced and while neither of those are major stressors, with the other stuff family-wise that is going on, it is not good...

I realized tonight, after the meeting when I was thinking about everything that is going on (I had to tell my advisors...) I just wanted to sit and cry and have someone give me a hug or talk to someone about how I am feeling... I don't have anyone I can do that with right now... The people I have depended on in the past couldn't give a damn at this point how I am... And my friends that do care, they have a lot going on with school and work and such respectively and I don't want to be a burden... I feel like that is why I lost the friends I did... Because the burden of being my friend was too much for them and I don't want anyone feeling that way again... I think the thought that hurt the most is that the person I have considered one of my bestfriends for years would hang up on me if I called him... Also, many of the people I was friends with in HS and such would figure I'm spazzing over nothing. I feel like my immediate family unit is falling apart at the seams and there is nothing I can do to help it or fix anything... I hate this feeling and this situation... I have been praying a lot but I don't know what else I can do... :'(