Friends...

This is a short blog... I just wanted to post a short shout out to my friends... You guys have been awesome this week... With hugs, words of support, more hugs, driving me where I need to be (I'm not driving right now, it's been a bad week and concentrating for long enough to drive between Calgary and Lethbridge wasn't going to be happening as many times as I was going to need to), hanging out when I need company, hugs, shoulders to cry on, ears to listen, coming to listen to my concert, offering to help my mom out as needed and just generally being there for me... You guys are awesome! Thank you for everything!

Heartsick...

So Monday my mom called and told me she was coming down to visit. This isn't that abnormal as she is currently off on Spring Break and when she had time off, she comes to visit us quite frequently. My brother was going to drive the van back to her so he could pick up his "new" car (it's new to him) and then drive it back down here. She was going to follow him. So far, nothing majorly odd about this. So, I spent most of the day working on my final theory project. That night, Ash and I went to BP's to grab dinner and compare notes. I met up with my mom around 9:30 (it took them 4 HOURS to get here!!!) and then we came home and I made tea and we watied for John to come back. Mom was asking me all kinds of weird questions about my project that is due today (I am going to shower and go hand it in on my way out of town) and what my Friday and Saturday are looking like and so on... I thought they were strange questions but I showed her what I have been working on and when John got home, Holly went to his room and the three of us sat down in the living room. Mom said she didn't know where to start... I asked "what's wrong? Did something happen to Grandma?" and she nodded... "She..." my mom nodded again... John and I both cried... Holly came out and gave us all hugs... We spent the next few hours sitting and talking about nothing of major note... I called a few friends, we sorted pictures from Mom's birthday and figured out that Saturday is better for the funeral as I have a concert that is my "final exam" for orchestra on Friday night and it will be easier to get through that first.

I'm still not sure how to react... 6 weeks ago, I didn't know. Now, I'm still not sure. My heart hurts. I'm not sure how else to explain it.

I have so many good memories of my grandparents... One of my favourites was always sleeping over at their house and we would go out to a movie and then to Luigi's for dinner (they have THE BEST pizza and pasta!) and then home to sleep. My grandma would rub my back and talk me to sleep... ("Your arms are getting sleepy.... your legs are getting heavy...") and I would sleep and dream... It's a long time ago. They were always the people I could call if I needed something, the place I could go if I needed somewhere to be...

My grandma has been sick for a while, about a year a half... But all in all, she still generally rememeber who I was (she had dementia) and we would sit and chat...

I don't think it has fully hit me yet... My mom wants me to sing this weekend, I'm still undecided... And I don't think it has hit her yet...

We talked about it and we said, it's like she just gave up...

But my grandparents are together again, and that will make them both happy so that's good...

Lyrics...

Lyrics... The great thing about song lyrics is that they speak to everyone on a different level... Some songs speak to my heart, others to my mind, some to my soul. Right now, my heart hurts. I need a hug... (actually, more like, I need a cuddle but whatever....) I am SO frustrated. These are some lyrics that I love... for different reasons...

"You're Beautiful" by James Blunt

My life is brilliant

My love is pure

I saw an angel

Of that I'm sure

She smiled at me on the subway

She was with another man

But I won't lose no sleep on that

'Cause I've got a plan

You're beautiful, You're beautiful,

You're beautiful, it's true

I saw your face in a crowded place

And I don't know what to do

'Cause I'll never be with you

Yes she caught my eye

As we walked on by

She could see from my face that I was flying high

And I don't think that I'll see her again

But we shared a moment that will last 'til the end

You're beautiful, You're beautiful,

You're beautiful, it's true

I saw your face in a crowded place

And I don't know what to do

'Cause I'll never be with you

da da da da...

You're beautiful, You're beautiful,

You're beautiful, it's true

There must be an angel with a smile on her face

When she thought up that I should be with you

But it's time to face the truth

I will never be with you

This song honestly makes me a little sad... But it is a beautiful song... (no pun intended) It's one that is kind of wistful and sappy... If you listen to it, you don't necessarily always catch the lyrics... If you read the lyrics, the song is sadder than you would think...

"Meet With Me" by Petra

I'm here to meet with you

Come and meet with me

I'm here to find you

Reveal yourself to me

(Chorus)

As I wait, you make me strong

As I long, you draw me to your arms

As I stand and sing your praise

You come, you come, and you fill this place

Won't you come, won't you come, and fill this place

I can find peace in this song... I have sung it standing, sitting, lying down... With my hands raised high or cupped in front of me... With tears streaming down my face or with a strong voice and a big smile on my face... It has made me happy when I was feeling down and calmed my heart when I was feeling troubled.

"Sweet Embrace" by Ten Shekel Shirt

When I'm faithless, You are faithful

When I'm lonely, You surround me

And when I am empty, You drown me in your sweet embrace

And when I am broken, You come restore my joy again

(chorus)

la-la-la Hey la-la

la-la-la I sing for You

la-la-la Hey la-la

To demonstrate my love for You

When I'm far away, then You draw me

When I am afraid, You surround me

And when I am empty, You drown me in Your sweet embrace

And when I am broken, You come restore my joy again

I have memories of jumping up and down to this one and dancing. It makes me smile and makes me want to dance... It is a "happy-up-jumpy-dancing-song" and I love it for that reason... I have also been curled up in a ball praying while this song has been playing but the song has kept the energy level in the room up... This song is powerful...

"Dirty" by Audio Adrenaline

Tired of being clean

sick of being proper

I want to live among the beggers

and dig out in the dirt

step outside the walls we built to protect us

don't be afraid to get some mud on your face

come on come on everybody

come on come on and serve some one

Let's get dirty, let's get used,

no matter where you come from,

if your beatten up or bruised,

let's get foolish, let's get free,

free to be the one thing,

you were meant to be,

let's get dirty!

You might get a bruise

or some blisters on your fingers

you might start to question

or wonder what it's worth

you might slip and fall

from the burdens that you carry

but you can't have this treasure

till you dig it from the dirt.

Come on Come on everybody,

Come on Come on and serve someone

Let's get dirty, let's get used,

no matter where you come from,

if your beaten up or brused,

let's get foolish, let's get free,

free to be the one thing,

you were meant to be,

Let's get dirty!

Come on Come on everybody

Come on Come on and serve someone

Come on Come on everybody

Come on Come on and serve someone

Let's get dirty, let's get used,

no matter where you come from,

if your beatten up or bruised,

let's get foolish, let's get free,

free to be the one thing,

you were meant to be,

Let's get dirty!

I love this song for many reasons... It was the theme song my first summer at camp. I gave a talk at THING about Getting Dirty (I still have it around somewhere if anyone wants to read it) and used this song as an example.. It makes me think of doing God's work even if it's not always what you pictured yourself doing and having fun doing it because of the upbeat nature of the song... There are other reasons but I'll leave it at these for now...

Unashamed Love by Ten Shekel Shirt

You're calling me to lay aside the worries of my day

To quiet down my busy mind and find a hiding place

Worthy, Worthy

I open up my heart and let my spirit worship Yours

I open up my mouth and let a song of praise come forth

Worthy, You are worthy

(chorus)

Of a child-like faith

And of my honest praise

And of my unashamed love

Of a holy life

And of my sacrifice

And of my unashamed love

The first time I heard this song, I cried... It spoke to me on SO many levels... Honestly, reading the lyrics right now, I'm tearing up... I have this song on CD and I listen to it when I am feeling down and I feel SO connected to God when I do... It's incredible. I think that while it speaks of an established connection to God, it can also speak of incredible promise of things to come with the trust we put in Him...

"She's In Love With The Boy" by Trisha Yearwood

Katie's sitting on the old front porch

Watching the chickens peck the ground

There ain't a whole lot going on tonight

In this one horse town.

Over yonder, coming up the road

In a beat-up Chevy truck

Her boyfriend Tommy, is laying on the horn

Splashing through the mud and the muck

Her daddy says, "he ain't worth a lick

When it comes to brains, he got the short end of the stick"

But Katie's young and man she just don't care

She'd follow Tommy anywhere

She's in love with the boy

She's in love with the boy

She's in love with the boy

And even if they have to run away

She's gonna marry that boy someday

Katie and Tommy at the drive-in movie

Parked in the very last row

They're too busy holding on to one another

To even care about the show

But later on outside the Tastee Freeze,

Tommy slips something on her hand

He says, "my high school ring will have to do

Till I can buy a wedding band"

Her daddy says, "he ain't worth a lick

When it comes to brains, he got the short end of the stick"

But Katie's young and man she just don't care

She'd follow Tommy anywhere

She's in love with the boy

She's in love with the boy

She's in love with the boy

And even if they have to run away

She's gonna marry that boy someday

Her daddy's waiting up till half past twelve

When they come sneaking up the walk

He says, "young lady get on up to your room

While me and junior have a talk"

Mama breaks in and says, "don't lose your temper

It wasn't very long ago

When you yourself was just a hay-seed plowboy

Who didn't have a row to hoe,

My daddy said you was not worth a lick

When it came to brains, you got the short end of the stick

But he was wrong and honey you are too

Katie looks at Tommy like I still look at you"

She's in love with the boy

She's in love with the boy

She's in love with the boy

What's meant to be will always find a way

She's in love with the boy

She's in love with the boy

She's in love with the boy

What's meant to be will always find a way

She's gonna marry that boy someday.

Now, that was something COMPLETELY different... That song takes me back to my "roots"... I grew up listening to a lot of country... In my dad's vehicles it was always country, in my mom's it was oldies or occasionally country. I love this song because it speaks of love, hopefulness, longevity of relationships and perseverance. It's a cute song with a sweet message... I sing this song at karaoke sometimes... The first time I sang it was at the request of a friend... Now, it brings back good memoreis fo that friendship but it's also a song that could give you hope for the future if you let it... (I'm not that fanciful right now...)

"If I Had A Hammer" by Peter, Paul and Mary

If I had a hammer,

I'd hammer in the morning

I'd hammer in the evening,

All over this land

I'd hammer out danger,

I'd hammer out a warning,

I'd hammer out love between my brothers and my sisters,

All over this land.

If I had a bell,

I'd ring it in the morning,

I'd ring it in the evening,

All over this land

I'd ring out danger,

I'd ring out a warning

I'd ring out love between my brothers and my sisters,

All over this land.

If I had a song,

I'd sing it in the morning,

I'd sing it in the evening,

All over this land

I'd sing out danger,

I'd sing out a warning

I'd sing out love between my brothers and my sisters,

All over this land.

Well I got a hammer,

And I got a bell,

And I got a song to sing,

all over this land.

It's the hammer of Justice,

It's the bell of Freedom,

It's the song about Love between my brothers and my sisters,

All over this land.

It's the hammer of Justice,

It's the bell of Freedom,

It's the song about Love between my brothers and my sisters,

All over this land.

When this song was written it was a "protest song"... but by the time I was born and around to listen to it, I just liked the harmonies and the melody of Mary as she sang. It's a great song and I love the line specifically about "love between my brothers and my sisters" that is repeated throughout the song. The entire song is about justice, freedom and love... It's a great message and one that even today, we don't hear very often...

Ok, I'm done, that was a lot of thinking... I was trying to put together a list of songs that have lyrics that mean something to me and have influenced my life recently, which these all have... My problem is, I have a lot of other things on my mind which are serving as distractions... For now, I'm going to go back to doing homework and ignoring those other things. ;) I will write more another day! If anyone actually read this... I hope you enjoyed the lyrics and what they mean to me!

Not sure.

I don't know if anyone even reads this anymore. Meh. Whatever. *shrug*

I write my blog because I need to get my thoughts out. I know other people who do it for the same reason. When I am in Lethbridge full-time I don't have a support system like the one I have in Calgary (my family and friends) to talk to and work my thoughts and feelings out with so I tend to write more when I am here more...

This weekend I was in the Bridge Friday night (I stayed home and did homework... man, it was exciting... *rolling eyes*) and then we went on "Orchestra Tour" to Medicine Hat.

We left Saturday at 1ish and got back in the last couple of hours. It was ok... We were originally supposed to go to Regina and we figured that while it may slightly suck, it should be ok... But when it turned out to only be 24 hours (or so...) I know a lot of us weren't too impressed. We only had one concert which was the part that kind of sucked... The concert went incredibly well though!!! :D

I was sad to miss THING and not get to go to church this morning but I figure that I will make up for it later this week.

I have to admit, I'm exhausted... I find it hard to travel and spend one night anywhere right now... I'll be doing it a lot in the next little while.

Last night was fun though... A lot of people went out to the bar or to the liquor store (or both) and did whatever from there... A few of us went across the street from the hotel to Tim Horton's and hung out there for a while. (Carrie, Richelle, Deanna, Christina, Matt and I.) We sat and chatted, random people joined us (Cathy and Julie, Erin and Ross, etc.) and eventually we went back to the hotel. Carrie and I stayed up and watched "Mr. Holland's Opus" and then went to sleep. I woke up a bnch of times in the night... The people coming in and out of the hotel were being pretty loud... I am glad to be home. (Or at least not on the road.)

For now, I'm done... I'm having issues typing... I'm going to go sleep for a bit and then I have homework to work on.

I'm going to reach for rest and strength... *almost passing out*

Sometimes it would just be easier to give up...

I have heard over time that "winners never quit and quitters never win." I'm going to point out, I don't generally quit but then again, my track record on the "winning" thing isn't very high up there either at this point... I am frustrated. With school. With life. With my music. With job searching and the application and interview processes. With some of my friends. With guys. I could go on... What it all boils down to is that God has put some pretty heavy things on my heart over time. While it has been very difficult to accept some of what I have felt like He has called me to do, I have to accept that if He has laid those thing on my heart, they are what my giftings are. I wonder though if I am misreading those callings and giftings... Is music not one of mine? Am I wasting my time and energy? Have I almost finished a music degree for no reason? Should I be working with kids in the future? So many questions and no one even willing to guess at any answers! So... I wait...

I have to admit, I am SO FRUSTRATED with music in general right now that I could SCREAM!!!! Today, as an example: I beat up a pillow, called Laurel and talked/cried to her about it for a while and then laid down and had a darn good cry... I cuddled my BIG teddy bear after and had a nap (I had a headache after the tears) and then I felt a bit better. I know that life isn't supposed to be easy or anything and that God throws things in our path to challenge us. I also know that what "doesn't kill you will only make you stronger" but after this semester is over, I feel like I will either be dead or have strength like I have never had before... I was considering withdrawing from the classes I am frustrated with but if I do that (with three weeks left) I will need to take them later anyway so I may as well just wait out the last few weeks and work my butt off!

One thing I am going to mention other than school at this point is my current frustration with guys... I have a great group of guy friends. But it seems as though that is all they will ever be. I find that personally very frustrating because I care about each of those guys (in different ways) and I had seen possibilites for other things in the future... I don't understand why God would have put some of those people back into my life if it wasn't for a specific purpose... Yet again, I wait.

Taking a step out of my bubble...

So, I have been playing life fairly safe lately. I spend time with the people I know care about me, I avoid the people I am afriad may be displeased with me or may not like me and I just generally do nothing that involves a risk. But, is playing it safe what God wants me to do...???

I have been feeling called lately to take a step out of my bubble and try new things. I started this semester by taking a "World Rhythm" class... It has been great so far and it is the one class I go to everyday excited about being there. I had also decided to take Orchestra again, even though I don't "need" it because, generally speaking, I enjoy it. The first, a step out of my comfort zone, the second, not as much. So, I am 30 days away from the end of the semester... that, my friends, is a daunting number. I feel as though I have just begun and while I am anticipating the end of the semester, I am also worried about what the summer may bring. I am applying for jobs already and it has been tough. I have applied at some of the places I feel "safe" and have also applied at some new and completely different places... It is hard for me to take a major leap of faith but that is what I am doing... I am stepping out of the boat as Peter did and trusting that Jesus won't let me drown... I know He has my back in all that I do but... I haven't gone into a summer not knowing what is going to happen at leat a few months in advance in a few years. Honestly? It scares me. But, for now, I am excited to see what God has in store for me. He has halped me get through life this far and is helping me to acknowledge my gifts and talents and now, I should step out into the world and use them...

Another thing I am going to do is get to know other people... I have had the same group or a similar group of friends for years. I am not saying "see ya!" to those people but there are other people that I have met over time and haven't ever really gotten a chance to know that I would like to. So, in the next little while, I think that may be one of my personal goals as well... I wanted to expand my friendship group and I think this is as good a time as any to do that.

?????

Ok, I just had a phone interview and I'm not sure how I feel about how it went. I was asked some pretty tough questions. Like, how my friends would describe me... So, right now, all I can do is pray about it. I would ask that anyone reading this prays about it as well. I was told I would know by the end of March what the decision is. Oh, and part of what I had applied for was working in a worship setting but as I don't play a typical worship instrument (bass, keyboards, guitar) I'm not qualified. I think I may have to up the number of lessons on keyboard or take lessons on one of the other two... (Just thinking...)

Anyway, I'm feeling a little fragile due to a conversation I had earlier this afternoon and then the uncertainty based around this interview.

Plus, something is going on with my brother and he is acting weird (again) so prayer for him would also be good.

I'm on my way out for a bit, then back here for more homework!

Not sure what to say... :S

Ok...

I'm not even sure what to say...

I will start with the easy stuff. My mom's birthday party was great! Everyone really enjoyed themselves. We had a few people who didn't show due to weather (it was snowing pretty hard) and a few who apparently got the dates mixed up (we got a few phone messages to that effect, they thought it was on Saturday) but all in all, everyone who was there had a good time! It was cool to see some of my mom's friends and work colleagues that I haven't seen in a while! Plus, she enjoyed herself which is also good!

I have had a lot of people ask me recently if she is "really ok" and I'm not sure what to tell them. "She is as good as she can be under the circumstances." It's pretty safe to say it and then if they want to know more, they ask me or I send them in her direction. I worry about her a lot. I guess she told Ben the other night that she has worried about mke for 23 years so she guesses it's time for the tables to turn (or something to that effect).

I have been realizing lately who my true friends are. I have also realized that I don't tell them enough that I love and appreciate them. You know who you are. Thank you for all that you do.

And, family. I don't really think too much about what that word means. Sure, a group of people I am related to in some way. But I have a cousin who is more like my dad's cousin's daughter's husband who looks out for me and his wife and I are getting to be better friends all the time. Their kids are great and I love spending time with them. So, even if we are third cousins (or whatever that works out to being) we are tighter right now than I am with some of my first cousins... It's strange the way life works out.

Now, the part that I am going to have trouble writing... I am in the process of applying for jobs for the summer. Other summers this has been easy... I fill out an application or two or I already have something partially or completely lined up and I go from there. However, this year, I am feeling pulled in many directions. Specifically, I feel as though God is calling me to take a step outside of my comfortable little bubble and try something new. I have worked at Camp Chestermere the past three summers. The winters between in previous years, I have been doing schoolwork and staying in Lethbridge on weekends. This year, I said I could work the winter camps and made sure I was available as I have only been in Lethbridge maybe four weekends all year. But no one ever called me to work any of them... So, I'm not saying that I'm not welcome at camp... I have been back for numerous activities outside of the school year camps and such but... I don't know... I just don't feel as though I'm necessarily wanted. I know my campers want me there and some of the other counsellors have said they look forward to seeing and working with me but some fo the senior staff has made me feel as though I would be less than welcome. Anyway, I have applied to go back but I have also applied elsewhere. I have spiritual gifts that I haven't been having the chance to use and I want to try to have the opportunity to use them. As well, if God has put something on my heart, I generally think He has done so for a reason. So, for now, I will apply at places and see what happens... I am putting my reliance on Him because right now, I don't see any other way to go about this... It makes me nervous but I can't see any other way to do so... I have talked to a few close friends about how I feel and they are praying about it too... I'm not sure what else to do. Suffice it to say, if I feel called to take a position elsewhere. I will miss my friends and co-workers and of course my campers (my cabin girls, photojournalism peeps and dock buddies!!!). BUT... For those of you who know me or met me through there and we have become friends or even just acquaintances, if I don't go back to work there this summer, know that I won't forget you. I do want to stay friends! So, please continue to keep in touch and I will still come out and visit. Plus, who knows, I may be back sometime in the future. As well, at this point, I don't know what's going to happen so if you could all pray for me as I make decisions and apply at places, I would really appreciate it. I have brought some of my "younger siblings" out to camp and while they continue to thrive there, I feel as though I need somewhere new to spread my wings and expand my horizons... So, if I don't return, please, no one take it personally. I love you all!

I want to say more but I can't right now. I am going to go do homework, I have a big project due on Friday...

Tough times... Needing a break...

Last week was INCREDIBLY hard for my entire family... I held it together pretty well when I could. But the phone calls, e-mails, etc. were really getting to me. Between those and my mom's bestfriend coming over to "help" (she was driving me bananas!) and then my aunt and uncle coming in from out of town with (surprise!) my other aunt, it turned into what felt a lot like a gong show...

The funeral was lovely... There was a viewing prior to the funeral starting, the pallbearers and family gathered in a separate room from what would be the sanctuary (I think, not sure... maybe chapel?) and then once the viewing was over, the casket was closed. My mom commented when we went in before anyone else that he looked like he was sleeping and like he was going to open his eyes and pop up wondering what all the fuss was about at any time... He was smiling... But his hands were too stiff. I had held it together just fine for a few days prior to this but Friday, I lost it. I was unable to be consoled and I felt like my heart had been ripped out... :'( John gave the Eulogy and the service was presided over by the Pastor from St. David's (my grandparents are charter members) and Laurel and I were "music" for two of the songs. One, I sang by myself and Laurel accompanied me and the other, we sang together and Laurel played. The first song was "Take Me In" and the second was "Amazing Grace." I made it through both, amazingly. I looked at the ceiling, my friends, my family, my cousin standing at the back with her daughter and my aunt (who kept giving me "ok" signs and thumbs up). It was SO hard but we got through it... I had many people compliment me afterwards (I got an e-mail from my mom's cousin saying I should be on the radio singing my own songs and my mom's secretary from work said I made her cry it was so beautiful *blush*) but I don't take compliments very well and while I held it together, I wouldn't have been able to do it if my mom hadn't specifically asked and I knew she expected I'd be able to handle it and without Laurel up there with me I wouldn't have been able to stay up there without crying. I am SO lucky to have such an incredible friend. After the service, we went to the cemetary for the graveside service and then back to the funeral home for a reception. The reception had been planned for 40 people and there were over 80 there! There were people who knew our family from all kinds of places, including some of my friends, John's bestfriend, my mom's friends and work colleagues, my dad's cousin and her husband, my dad's sister and sister-in-law, my cousin from my dad's side and her family, my grandma's brother-in-law and his son and my grandfathers friends, work colleagues and people who knew him from cadets. It was really interesting... My grandma was still in hospital so she couldn't be there but many people sent cards expressing their condolences and we received flowers from some of our relatives and friends from out of town. After the reception, we had some of the family and a few friends back to the house. We had about 15 or so people in the house (more than I can remember at one time) and it was busy but everyone was in good spirits... Ben and Matt played with my younger cousins (Emma, Jack and Anders) and my cousin Laura (their mom) says she would hire either of the guys to baby-sit... :D I found that majorly amusing...

Friday night, I wasn't in the mood to sit around doing nothing so I went to Dana and Amber's birthday party at Coyote's. I hadn't ever been there and I really enjoyed it. Matt, John and I went down together and had a blast. Turns out Jordan (who used to play for MRC) is a bartender there and it was awesome to see him and get caught up a bit. He's now at U of C and he told me I should stop by and say hi more often. He was shocked to hear I am living in Lethbridge. :) Afterwards, we went to BP's and then the guys dropped me off and then John drove Matt home.

Saturday I picked Matt up and dropped him off at his car and then went to Starbucks and then to the THING Leadership Retreat. It was good. Much of what we went over I had already done in some form at some point but it's always good to review. I'm tempted to ask Laurel if at one of the next ones I can "lead" or "teach" one of them... I liked sitting through them and all but I wasn't sure if I was allowed to contribute or if I was out of place when I did, so I was trying really hard not to talk... I am working on leading by example, not using words and leading from the back as I have seen others do. I will see how it goes...

Saturday night, a bunch of us went to Schanks for the other part of Dana and Amber's birthday party. Dan, Ashley and Derek came to meet me and it was cool to get to meet them. I hope to get to know them better as time goes on... I haven't been very available this week though and once I go back to school, it may get worse. :( I do want to hang out with them again though.

My aunt and uncle (my dad's other cousin and his wife) came into town on Saturday so we had a family dinner out at my cousin's house in Cochrane on Sunday. It was cool to hang out with the kids and help out as needed. I took a bunch of pictures (that I need to get developed) and we had fun all in all. My dad and I had words at one point but I think we're fine (as fine as we can be) now.

This week, I did a lot of stuff with my family... Those from out of town and my immediate family as well. I also spent some time with my friends (my friend Chris and his fiancee are in from NY) and that was good. Specifically, I went for dinner with Chris and Chrystal (sp?) Tuesday, hung out with Ben on Wednesday and went out for dinner and then swimming on Thursday with Britney, Matt and Ben. Today, I hung out at home and did homework, Alexis and James came over for a bit and we watched a movie while I did homework and then I went for groceries and then to pick up some decorations for next week with my mom. I got some GREAT stuff! (LOL!!! :D :D :D) I can't wait until next week... ;)

As for that... we invited... approximately 120 people. So far, I have 56 people who have RSVP'd either yes or maybe (with only about 10 as maybe's) and that doesn't include the younger children who were included in the original count and may still come... The space is arranged, the food is ordered, the DJ is set, the cake is ordered, the decorations are bought, her gift is bought, all we need to do it figure out "drinks" for the immediate family, rent/borrow the rest of the DJ stuff we need and John and I need to finish the powerpoint presentation of pictures and such. I hope to get that done in the next few days.

I have had a few frustrating conversations with people in the past week and a bit... My aunt decided she needed to talk to me about who I should marry... Had I known that I was at that place in my life, I'm sure the conversation would have been fine. Also, I have been really worried about a good friend and while I am incredibly happy for her (she recently began a new relationship) I also worry because she has been one of my little sisters for the past few months... almost a year. She told me that we aren't that close and that many of us are just jealous of the fact that she's in a relationship. I was bothered by it and then figured we had let it go until she didn't show up to the funeral (as she had said she would) or to the THING Leadership Retreat (as she said she would) and told a mutual friend that I had attacked her. I'm sorry she felt that way... I guess I will leave her alone. Apparently, the friendship that I thought we were working on doesn't actually exist. :( *very sad*

The next few days are going to be hectic... I have a ton of work left to do on a project for school that I don't understand. I know I would get a zero for not handing it in, and I have highly contemplated that but I don't want a zero on any assignment in this class. I just need to not freak out... Whenever I get majorly frustrated, I need to remind myself to take a break... It's hard for me, because when I get frustrated, I want to work through it...

I'm going to get some sleep...

I am going to reach for stuff again... Patience, perseverance, hope (I need WAY more of that towards school) and help (as I need it, I don't like asking for help... It's something I have a hard time doing).

Praise God for Friends when you need them most...

Needless to say, it's been a long week.

Praise God for those people who have offered their help to make it better. And Praise God for those people who have taken the time to call and make sure I'm ok.

I have been texting on my phone a lot this week... It's been good to "chat" with someone who seems to get me... I look forward to meeting him in person... This weekend may be when we both have time, I will have to see what happens. I don't necessarily believe in fate but thus far, thing seem too good to be true... If that's the case, when will the other shoe drop? :S

Tomorrow is going to be INCREDIBLY hard!!! I am going to be singing "Take Me In" with Laurel accompanying me on the guitar and then Laurel and I are going to sing "Amazing Grace" and she's going to play that one too.

One of THE most awkward conversations I have had to have with some of my close friends lately was asking if they would be pallbearers tomorrow... See, my mom and grandpa are both only children and my brother and I would REALLY rather not do it... So I asked some of my friends, some of my grandparents friends want to be included and a couple of my relatives from my dad's side of the family that are coming. I am surprised and touched by the number of my friends who are willing to help.

I am going to try and get some sleep... I got about three hours of sleep last night and I'm exhausted... :(

Something to kill time... and braincells... while I can't sleep...

I saw this on someone's blog on Nex and thought it was pretty funny... Anyone who reads this and has their own blog, copy and paste the list and see how many you have seen...

*****************************************************************************

If you have seen more than 70 you have no life.
Do you have a life?

(My note: I added a few because there were sequels listed for many of them but missing on others... so it should be more like, "if you have seen between 75 and 80, you have no life..." I can guess (before I mark them) that I probably don't have a life... :D

( ) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(*) Grease
(*) Pirates of the Caribbean
( ) Boondock Saints
(*) The Mexican
( ) Fight Club
(*) Starsky and Hutch
( ) Neverending Story
( ) Blazing Saddles
( ) Airplane
(*) The Princess Bride
( ) Young Frankenstien
(*) AnchorMan: The Legend of Ron Burgandy
(*) Napoleon Dynamite
( ) Saw
( ) White Noise
(*) White Oleander
(*) Anger Management
(*) 50 First Dates
( ) Jason X
(*) Scream
(*) Scream 2
(*) Scream 3
(*) Scary Movie
(*) Scary Movie 2
( ) Scary Movie 3
(*) American Pie
(*) American Pie 2
(*) American Wedding
(*) Harry Potter
( ) Harry Potter 2
( ) Harry Potter 3
( ) Harry Potter 4
( ) Resident Evil I
( ) Resident Evil 2
(*) The Wedding Singer
(*) Little Black Book
( ) The Village
( ) Donnie Darko
(*) Lilo &Stitch
(*) Finding Nemo
( ) Finding Neverland
( ) Ghosts
( ) Signs
( ) The Grinch
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(*) White Chicks
(*) The Butterfly Effect
(*) Thirteen Going on 30
( ) I, Robot
(*) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Murderball
( ) Universal Soldier
( ) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(*) Along Came Polly
( ) Deep Impact
( ) King Pin
(*) Never Been Kissed
(*) Meet The Parents
(*) Meet the Fockers
(*) Eight Crazy Nights
(*) A Cinderella Story
(*) The Terminal
(*) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
(*) Passport to Paris
(*) Dumb &Dumber
( ) Dumb &Dumberer
(*) Final Destination
(*) Final Destination 2
( ) Halloween
( ) The Ring
( ) The Ring 2
(*) Harold & Kumar go to White Castle
(*) Practical Magic
(*) Chicago
( ) Ghost Ship
( ) From Hell
( ) Secret Window
(*) I Am Sam
(*) The Whole Nine Yards
(*) The Whole Ten Yards
( ) The Day After Tomorrow
( ) Child's Play
( ) Bride of Chucky
(*) Ten Things I Hate About You
(*) Just Married
( ) Gothika
( ) Nightmare on Elm Street
(*) Sixteen Candles
(*) Pretty In Pink
(*) The Breakfast Club
( ) Coach Carter
( ) Bad Boys
( ) Bad Boys 2
(*) Joy Ride
( ) Seven
(*) Ocean's Eleven
(*) Ocean's Twelve
( ) Identity
( ) Lone Star
(*) Bedazzled
( ) Predator I
( ) Predator II
(*) Independence Day
( ) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
( ) Christine
(*) ET
( ) Children of the Corn
(*) My Boss' daughter
(*) Maid in Manhattan
(*) Jersey Girl
( ) Fraility
( ) Best Bet
(*) She's All That
(*) Calendar Girls
( ) Sideways
( ) Mars Attacks
(*) Event Horizon
(*) Ever After
(*) Forrest Gump
( ) Big Trouble in Little China
(*) X-Men
( ) X-2
( ) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
(*) Catch Me If You Can
( ) The Others
(*) Freaky Friday
( ) Reign of Fire
(*) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
( ) Cruel Intentions 3
(*) The Hot Chick
( ) Swimfan
(*) Miracle
(*) Old School
(*) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
(*) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
( ) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
( ) Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
(*) A Walk to Remember
( ) Boogeyman
(*) Hitch
(*) The Fifth Element
(*) Star Wars Episode I The Phantom Menace
(*) Star Wars Episode II Attack of The Clones
( ) Star Wars Episode III Revenge of The Sith
(*) Star Wars Episode IV A New Hope
(*) Star Wars Episode V The Empire Strikes Back
(*) Star Wars Episode VI Return of The Jedi...
( ) Troop Beverly Hills
( ) Swimming with Sharks
(*) Air Force One
(*) Con Air
( ) For Richer or Poorer
( ) Trainspotting
( ) People Under the Stairs
( ) Blue Velvet
(*) Sound of Music
(*) Mary Poppins
(*) Parent Trap 1
(*) Parent Trap 2
(*) Gone With the Wind
(*) Casablanca
( ) The Burbs
(*) The Terminator
(*) Terminator 2
(*) T3
(*) Empire Records
( ) SLC Punk
( ) Meet Joe Black
(*) Nightmare Before Christmas
( ) The Silence of the Lambs
( ) Sleepy Hollow
(*) I Heart Huckabees
( ) 24 Hour Party People
(*) Dead Poet's Society
( ) The Chronicles of Narnia-The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardorbe
(*) King Kong

***************************************************************************

I've seen like 98 of them... But I think some of them are unfair as they are things I watched in school or things I was dragged to... Also, there are things that I "watched" but more like I slept through them... Whatever... :D I added something like 20 or so...

My Grandfather.

My grandfather passed away tonight at approximately 9:00pm.

My heart hurts.

My family will miss him...

I know he is in a better place and without pain and we are happy that he didn't suffer but it is going to be rough on my grandmother. Please pray for us as we go through this time.

Without God, my family and friends, I think I would be a complete mess right now...

As it is, I am crying a lot but I know I will get through this and he will live on in the memories of those who loved him.

Frustrated with myself...

Short blog today, I have a ton of stuff to do this week.

I did some analyzation of a piece that is due on Friday, I did some of it wrong... It is a V of V of whatever instead of just a set of elisions (if you don't know music, this may be Swahili to you...) and I didn't realize it when I was doing it and now I have to redo it... AHHHHH!

I have a midterm (singing) on Wednesday. I don't know what she expects and I have tried to go over the pieces but they are frustrating me. I don't know if she wants them on scale degree numbers, mod 12 numbers or "la"... And I don't know if she wants them analyzed before we sing them... Grrr.... So many choices and so little information...

I have another exam tomorrow... It's my Canadian History midterm and it was one of those "hows the studying going for the midterm tomorrow?" "The midterm's tomorrow?" "Ya, the 14th." Tomorrow's the 14th" Does this tell anyone how my last few weeks have been and how far off my internal clock is right now??? I KNEW when the exam was but I completely didn't realize that the 14th is TOMORROW!!!!

I have an exam on Friday... From 2-4... Which means I can't leave for Calgary until after that. It's a class I am working my butt off in but it's the same prof as the singing exam on Wednesday and I swear she hates me so I'm worried...

On top of which, I am almost done the planning for my mom's 50th birthday party... I called and solidified the room and ordered the food today. I have all of the guests phone numbers or e-mail addresses and all I need to do is send the e-mail and call those people I haven't already mentioned it to. I called a few of the out of town guests yesterday and I will still send them/call them with the information now that it is finalized. All I need to do is get decorations, order a cake and flowers and arrange DJ equipment for John. *sigh* Not too bad for 24 hours work so far...

I guess I just feel kind of spacey right now. Like I'm not retaining all of the information I have been reading and I am getting frustrated with myself which isn't helping...

Today, I'm not reaching for anything, I am striving for brilliance so I can do well on my exams this week and I am hoping for my grandparents to get better and I am praying that everything works out the way it is meant to.

Good Conversations...

Ok, so lately I haven't been doing a lot of chatting. I have spent a lot of time on Nexopia, but less and less time on MSN. Mainly because I am not in the mood to share how I am feeling with a bunch of people who don't care. I'm not saying that everyone doesn't care but other people have their own stuff to deal with and they don't need my crap on top of everything else. Even talking to my mom has been difficult lately... She tries to relate to anything I tell her and say she understands but I feel like sometimes, her "understanding" is more like her blowing me off and that hurts. I know it's not intended that way and that she is going through a rough time and I am trying to be here for her but like she doesn't "get" me, I don't feel like I completely "get" her...

Anyway... this week has had it's ups and downs and I have had emotional highs and lows... I've laughed and cried... I've wanted to scream... but I've sat silently... It's been hard. I've had some good friends backing me up. And people I had never expected to be there for me lend support as well. Holly and I went to a movie this week. ("Brokeback Mountain") I got to talking to some random people online and made a couple of new friends. I started talking to a guy named Dan, his friend Ashley and her bf Derek. They are from Calgary and Edmonton respectively and seem really nice. Normal even. I'm not the type of person to meet people online and then meet up with them in person but I may go for drinks with them sometime. I talked to Shaun on MSN today about going with me and he said he would. :) We have talked a lot in the past few days about a lot of things and it is weird because I feel pretty comfortable talking to them... I'm not normally like that with people I don't know. I am still being pretty guarded but I am alwaysup to meeting new friends so we will see what happens.

Today is Matt's 21st Birthday! I called him to wish him Happy Birthday and then told him over MSN that he is officially old. He said he thinks 21 was when I started saying I was old so that would fit. :) I bugged him a bit more about it but it was all in good fun... I wonder when a group of us are going to go to Vegas now??? We are all of age... (well, for the most part... :P)

Otherwise, today was kind of amusing... My alarm didn't go off this morning when it was supposed to so I woke up about 15 minutes before the END of my first class... I was like "holy s***" and text messaged Ashleigh and she called me when she was done history to tell me she was pretty sure my History class was cancelled (different prof's) so I went online and checked my e-mail and sure enough, no class! So my history class was cancelled AND my world rhythm class as well! (that prof is out of town on tour!) So, I took my time and had a leisurely shower, checked my e-mail and nex and such and then drove through Starbucks (ok, not "fast food" but I'm sure it's not great for me either in the long run... although, how bad skim steamed milk or lemonade blended with ice could be, I don't know...) then I went to the U and did some running around (not literally, my knee is killing me) and then went to Orchestra. I ignored French-boy because I am going to shove that clarinet of his somewhere the son doesn't shine if he keeps being so dumb and Carrie and I spent most of the rehearsal talking... (oops!) But it was mainly about the music (I swear!) and rehearsal flew by!

I got home in time to talk to Dan for a few before he went out to babysit for some friends and then had something to eat and had a bath and watched "Elizabethtown" while I did musical analysis. Now, I am going to finish the musical analysis and go to bed pretty early. I need to get some sleep as it sounds like this weekend is going to be a busy one. :)